As a young lad, I used to ride my bike across town and gaze up in awe at the base of this one:

[Photo by Neil Herzinger]

I’m embarrassed to say that I wrote a poem about it in high school. And I’ve written other things about water towers. I’ve described how the internal mechanisms work, and taken hundreds of photos of the water towers on the east coast.

I’ve seen water towers get make overs:

I’m fortunate in that I can see a giant War of the Worlds from my front door – it’s about 4 miles away. And, curiously, there are a pair of water towers standing to the south of my house, shown here:

Here they are last spring:

And here they are today:

So it’s with horrified fascination that I report the bigger of the two is being dismantled. I hope it’s merely a repair.

I intend to docment these proceedings in my flickr water tower set. More soon.

What a waste of paper! It’s occurred to me that it can be re-purposed for good. To make someone (or some mechanical sorting device) have a brighter day! NOTE: I am not saying it’s a good idea to use the return postage paid envelopes…even though that’s a really funny thought.

Ahem.

Picasso Above, Monkey Below.

I created a new flickr JUNK MAIL ART group, if you want to join in the fun.

I submitted these for ArtScape, too. Here’s the pen.

That’s all you need. And an idea or two. Post yours with mine on Flickr.

[click - it's safe, I swear]

I called the hospital to see where they buried my little buddy “Ed,”  as I thought it would be nice to put a little wreath on his grave. Apparently, they don’t actually do that anymore.

In lieu of flowers, please just send money. Hurry.

See? Easy Peezy.

Here’s a little case study I made up:

Let’s pretend you are at work and walking down the hall listening to the Replacements on your portable MP3 player. Completely Awesome.
But then a manager stops you and asks what you are working on, to which you immediately respond with “What are YOU working on?”
Awkward.
And then, to be nice, he/she starts to tell you.
Boring.
See? Simple! And it totally works!

As a bonus, my research has uncovered that there are really only three basic emotional states: Happy, Angry or Sleeping. These can be overlaid on the event pie chart, but they don’t have to be. Here’s another example, this time with the emotional index added.

You are working on your taxes, and you get confused so you call a guy you know who happens to be an accountant (boring). Your accountant buddy forgot to take some key medication and starts to yell at you about some homestead tax credit nonsense (awkward/angry). You calm the accountant down to the point where he can explain the homestead tax credit nonsense (boring/sleeping). You figure it out while he’s telling a joke (awkward/boring). You realize that you didn’t need to bother your un-medicated friend after all, and that you owe the IRS less than you thought (completely awesome/happy).

This is easily the best self-help tool ever created. In our busy, busy lives, we really don’t have time for complex emotional responses or overly dynamic situational reflexive response triggers. All we need to recognize is that things are either (say it out loud where ever you are right now – it helps reinforce the lesson): COMPLETELY AWESOME, BORING or AWKWARD.

Please submit your own example below and help support this important research.

I am thinking the former owner of my house must have been a guild member – this book contains some rather esoteric material, stuff that Mr. and Ms. Vince J. Public doesn’t know. For example, I bet you didn’t know that water tower engineers and light house keepers have a special bond. They are close cousins, and part of a secret aquatic society. When the master of a lighthouse needs to travel inland, he always stays with a water tower guild member.

I’ve also learned something about the actual mechanics of different types of water towers. The “sky pimple” model uses a gravity driven well system (much like the lochs in the Panama canal) to pump water from underground aqueducts to the top of the tower. An octopus, usually, lives in the tower itself and manages the flow to surrounding communities [see diagram]. An octopus is as smart as a house cat – very clever – and much more industrious. That’s another guild secret – they understand the cephalopod mind. Some common East Coast water tower structures are summarized in the following diagram. Please click to view full sized version:

This book is packed with a lot of information that I don’t really understand – and I’m pretty sure that I am as least as smart as a house cat. As I learn more, I’ll post it here.

Here goes…

Four dishes I like to cook (and eat):

1. Clams over pasta
2. Pesto
3. Cevechie
4. Guacamole

Four qualities I love in people:

1. Loyalty/Honesty
2. Ability to fly and/or smash rocks with bare hands
3. Creative intelligence
4. Humor

Four places I have been:

1. Panama
2. The bottom of the ocean
3. The center of the earth
4. Outer space

Four things in my bedroom:

1. A replica of Godzilla (seriously)
2. A closet
3. A pile of books, in progress
4. A TV

Four dirty words I like/tend to use:

1. B@st@rd!
2. G0ddammit!
3. BETCH!
4. SHETBAG!

Four objects I will never part with, and will leave to someone to inherit when I die:

1. A Taoist medallion procured in Chinatown, SF, CA.
2. My books and comics
3. My father’s drafting table
4. My first drum set

So, to quote my esteemed colleague and friend:

“TAG, you’re it! I’m choosing the following people to be TAGGED, YOU’RE IT. Please answer the prompts by cut and pasting the text above and replace my answers with your own. ”

I tag:

DD, Peg, Chas

It’s October in Baltimore. The leaves are changing colors (because they are dead) and blowing away in crisp chilly winds. The sky is getting dark earlier and everyone’s thoughts are turning to one thing: monsters. I am no different and thought I’d share some useful monster facts with you.

BACKGROUND

Monsters have been a vital part of every major iteration of civilization. While most people believe that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the first monster to roam our planet, this isn’t actually true. Sharks were the first monsters, and sharks evolved into t-rexes (see figure 1). This is obvious from their dental plates (see figure 2).

(Figure 1)

(Figure 2)

CLASSIFICATIONS

In order for something to be considered a monster, it must meet the following criteria:

• It must be larger than a full grown professional football player, and ideally, bigger than the building you find yourself hiding in during a monster attack (see figure 3).
  
  (FIGURE 3)
• It cannot be a mammal. [NOTE: Mammals can't be monsters, unless they are dead. An example would be an enormous stuffed deer head hanging in a ski lodge that uses its endlessly long, sticky tongue to capture tourists and impale them on its horns (see figure 4). Obviously, this is how zombies are created. Zombies, strictly speaking, are not monsters, unless they happen to be exceptionally large dead linebackers that were impaled by dead deer heads.]
  
  (FIGURE 4)

SURVIVING A MONSTER ATTACK

The best way to survive a monster attack is to not let the monster see you. As monsters typically do not get involved with basements, it is optimal to be in a concrete, windowless basement corridor until the attack has passed.

In the event that a monster has seen you, the widely accepted best practice is to run away from the monster screaming and waving your arms. If enough people do this, the monster will become confused and frustrated and will move to another urban area. Monsters are drawn to urban areas primarily for a healthy supply of crunchy buses and trains. Noisy panic and mayhem are understandably distracting.

Monster attacks declined considerably with the advent of influenza vaccine. Medical professionals have drastically reduced to use of radiation to treat the flu, and there is a direct correlation between the decline crunchy radioactive buses and trains and the monsters that attack and devour them.

CONCLUSION

Please use the comment field below to share your own monster attack stories. Have a safe and spooky Halloween.